secrets

a few days ago, i did something quite uncharacteristic of me. without any sort of forewarning or buildup, completely unlike what was going on in my life around this time last, i dove into something that i should've, at best, gently tip toed around. i am now reaping the whirlwind of my actions and have my arms full of consequences. i let my loneliness take the reins and pushed rationality and morality aside for a few minutes of reassurance that a) i wasn't really alone and b) i still "had it", even though now i sort of wish i never had it. i immediately regretted my decision, not out of disgust for the other individual involved, or any sense of shame for what i had done, but out of concern for the other person. i realized i didn't know what they wanted. so it ended. perhaps too soon. who knows. but now, things are awry. despite our reassurances to one another that things wouldn't get weird, i'm fairly certain that they have. and this kind of sucks.

i suppose i deserve whatever happens to me. after all, blatant disregard for the well being of another human being is somewhat of a dick thing to do. Self preservation is by no means a bad thing, but when a small sense of reassurance comes at the potential cost of the dignity and feelings of another person, then sometimes we have to bite the bullet and remain unreassured and uncertain of ourselves. unfortunately, i chose not to do the right thing. even though i'm not certain any feelings were hurt, i am nonetheless weirded out by the fact that i would give into such disregard for someone else.

then there's a whoooole nother side to the story. good lord.