recently

-i've been having trouble sleeping. every night, i go to bed around ten or so with the intent of going to sleep and staying asleep until the next morning. i lay in the dark for an hour or so, thinking about everything, becoming increasingly anxious and depressed and angry with the way things have turned out, until finally, i get up and either start reading or watching a movie.

-my health is going downhill. not surprising, as i haven't always been the healthiest person in the world, but it still sucks. my grandfather is becoming increasingly concerned about this. i don't like worrying him.

-i've been thinking a lot lately about how the world would be without me. not in a 'nobody loves me i'm going to kill myself' way, just in a general and detached way. i wonder who would be affected most by it. i wonder what some of the effects of my passing would be. i wonder if i would be missed. and i wonder if i would fare any better in whatever, if anything, comes after this life. what stops me from simply ending it is the same thing that always has: a fear of the possibility of something worse awaiting me on the other side. that's not to say i think suicides go to hell; i'm just unwilling to risk it. what a grand joke it would be if i were to work up the courage to put an end to this slab of mediocrity that my life has become to find myself in the company of satan and the like.

-i want to get fruity loops again. badly.

-i've been listening to the new m83 album a lot. it reminds of pittsburgh at night, winter, and making love. i've also been listening to MGMT a lot lately. i don't know why. not that they're not good, but listening to them only reminds me of a fleeting moment i had once, an epilogue of sorts. it's painful.

-i miss warm female contact, the smell of a girl, the feel of breathing in sync with mine. i want to lose track of time with a girl while laying in bed with her, not fucking, not even cuddling, just being with her. there is no one of interest in my life right. no one of real interest, anyway. crushes are welcome, even encouraged. anything is encouraged, really. i'll take anything over nothing.

-this time last year was something bad, but in a few weeks it'll be that magical time of year that is late winter, when things start to get interesting. last year was nice. the year before was nice. and so was the year before that. who knows what this year holds.

essentially, i am lost within my own reflective personality. all i do anymore is think about what used to be. i think about how easy and fruitful life was when friends lived across the hall instead of across town or a quarter of the way across the state. i think about the people i was once so close with and how distant i am from them now. it's the nature of all things, i know, but that doesn't soften the blow. i simply want to know that the relationships i have worked so hard at creating and sustaining are worth more than just momentary bouts of getting lost in a good time. but maybe that's all friendship and intimacy are. who knows. i can't talk to anyone about it because i don't see eye to eye with anyone on the matter. but that's no surprise, really. i don't think i agree with anyone on anything at this point in my life. i simply nod and agree if their opinion is within throwing distance of mine, never bothering to tell them that i feel somewhat different on the matter. and why? because in the end, it doesn't matter.



i've made too many mistakes in this life, and now i'm paying dearly for them.

the good old days.

i want it back.

so

i really don't like most of the people i associate myself with. i'm entirely too critical of those closest to me, and lately, i find myself getting way too worked up over entirely mundane things. or maybe they're not so mundane. either way, in the past few weeks, i've come close several times to losing my temper and just...losing it, i guess. as i've said, i'm wound too tight and don't know how to unwind.

and i don't know why, really. i can't pinpoint exactly what's causing this heightened tension, this constant being 'on the verge of frenzy'. i've always been sort of overly sensitive person, and that sensitivity has usually manifested itself in the form of a short temper, but lately i've come close to flying off the handle for almost no reason whatsoever.


whatever.

i'm done pretending that things don't piss me off. i'm done being an 'understanding' and 'accepting' person.


i should be happy for you. but instead, all i feel is resentment and bitterness.

gran torino/girls/assassins

rules/lets do it/you're all going down.




"i need to fight someone, fuck someone, or see a therapist."

sweet

singing the same old song

get over it, get over it, get over it.



i dont have droves of women vying for my affections. get over it.

dont be a hypocrite. get over it.

stop being a fucking idiot and accept responsibility for things. get over it.



the world is full of fucking maniacs.

what?!

where did i go wrong? when did my anger get the best of me? it seems that my days are simply periods of time between me holding my tongue or resisting the urge to break something because something has piqued my rage. i lay in bed at night, and i think about how i really have nothing in common with those closest to me. and it depresses me. it sucks.



but i shouldnt feel this way. i should somehow subliminate feeling this way into a vacant sense of happiness. or something. ugh.


i wish i could sleep.



i hate being talked down to, and i hate, more than anything, being told im wrong by the same stupid fucking assholes who have the gall to tell me that i should accept the views of others. fuck.


i am indeed praying out loud for a winter of quiet. or maybe not. who knows.