a return to normalcy.

it's whats to be expected. anything else would just not be me.

a rock feels no pain.

i wish i couldnt see things coming from a mile away.


i'm tired of feeling like this, nothing but negative emotions. nothing but anger and sadness and frustration and anxiety, and i'm tired of getting so wrapped up in the lives of others, with their petty stupid things, and having nothing to show for it myself. because while the lives of those around me resemble knotted messes, mine is an unassuming and boring straight line. i know where it begings, i know whats happening in it, and i know where it ends. no surprises. no deviations from whats expected. nothing. its completely and utterly boring.

. i don't want to spend my life like this. i hate my job. so much. i hate the way it makes me feel. i just hate it.

not surprised.

yerp.

soooooooooooo

insert the old CLD prayer here.

ohhhhhhhhhh i dont know

so the trip was cool. lots of money spent. lots of porno barns visited. lots of soda drank. not nearly enough moshing. oh well. you can read about it in my other blog.

i met someone a few weeks ago. its really awesome. i havent felt this way in quite some time, that quiet and smiling ache at night that i want to fold inside and keep there and make it a secret thing. its weird, and im lame, but whatever. i want to hold and be held, to want and be wanted, to taste and be tasted.

new repairman jack novel soon. am i excited? of course i am.

im in san francisco.

so far the trip is awesome. i love my friends, i love hardcore, and i love america.



things are getting interesting.





fuck work, i want to do this forever.

dear mother abigail

we are coming to see you.

go west, young man.

indeed i shall.

i dont want much.

really, i dont.

on and on and on and on

and on and on and on and on






here's to hoping i dont disappoint.

of all the great inventions constructed from the unstoppable molecule

it's like this:


i don't usually care how i sound, because i've come to terms with how much i sound like an asshole. but sometimes, my voice becomes an idiot thing, jabbering in my ear, and i'm helpless to keep it from running in circles, apparently with a will of it's own. and you say things that make you think 'why the fuck am i saying this?' and you're digging yourself deeper and making yourself look like a spectacular asshole.



i feel like the characters in 'the stand' upon realizing that everything that caused ruin was still lying around out there, just waiting to be picked up and set to task to yet again do mischief and mayhem.

the burned hand teaches best.

and apparently i've learned nothing. i'd thought that the monotonous landscape of that dreadful land that is No Prospects had become something pleasant to gaze upon. in the past few days, i've realized the rocky and upheaval ridden land of Maybe has it's pluses as well.

i spent most of my day at work today looking at my phone and being charmed against my will.

i spent most of my day period looking at my phone and being charmed against my will.


i'm usually the one who gets wrecked.

what?!

dammit!

yeahhhhhh

i kinda wanna die.


district 9 looks like it's going to rule. what a great summer for movies.


two weeks from now, hopefully ill be in chicago. until then, suffer. survive.


fuck my job, and fuck stupid people.


edit: on the plus side, i spent my day off yesterday hanging out with my grandfather. it was one of the best days in recent memory.

yeahhhhhh

i kinda wanna die.


district 9 looks like it's going to rule. what a great summer for movies.


two weeks from now, hopefully ill be in chicago. until then, suffer. survive.


fuck my job, and fuck stupid people.

pizza overload.

love it.


summer time is also awesome. three weeks from now, the journey truly begins.


i hate the people that call my office.

revenge of the fallen.

what an awesome fun movie. fuck the critics, don't take yourself so seriously, it was awesome. i wish soundwave was in it more, but whatevs.


i realized i feel bad for the same way i feel bad for my sister. you do lots of stupid shit and say lots of stupid shit and bring lots of bad things upon yourself, but i cant help but think about how much it must suck to be so alone and isolated and not be an idiot and be able to reflect upon what youve done. i really do love you. a lot. i just wish you made better decisions. i think about you being alone and trying to make amends and it breaks my heart. i stay up at night and think about it and it makes me sick. fuck.

two years ago

i was seeing watching the original transformers movie from the eighties with my best friends. i was in the grips of a whirlwind romance. and i was as close to being happy as ive ever been i suppose.

this morning i woke up from the first non-nightmare i've had about a certain ex of mine. in fact, it was kind of a nice dream, a dream about how she could have possibly been if she wasn't a total fucking horrid bitch.

i started working on a novel. horror, of course.


transformers 2 tonight. i cannot fucking wait.

today was

a really, really, really good day.

two years.

ryan and brad are awesome. dude house will never die. fuck growing up and fuck getting old.

tinkering.

im tinkering with 'za dough. it will rule.







come oooooon june 24. lets gooooooo july 22nd through august 9th.

two weeks!

its been since ive updated this. almost.


since then...


i got a fortune from a fortune cookie that quoted yoda. ryan's band are opening for shai hulud at croc rock the night before i leave for vacation. some other stuff happened. work. ugh. word up.







i want to write more...i just cant think.

my peppers.

the hail only destroyed one plant. the remaining plant struggles on. eat shit, hailstorm!!!

likes and dislikes.

dislikes:

people who bring their fucking children to movies.
said children who cough loudly, talk, whine, and generally make noise throughout the movie.

likes:

terminator salvation.
my friends.
eating.
being vegan.
sleeping in tomorrow.
grilling tomorrow.
glasvegas.
crushes.
epic mixes.

there's no fate but what we make.

this summer started off with a bang. the new terminator movie is fucking rad as hell. fuck the haters, it was awesome.

i was never your boyfriend.

and it's a shame i never told you about the diamonds in your eyes.







tonight was one of the best/worst nights in recent memory. i had a lot of fun. i miss you. a lot. more than i ever realized. and i don't think i'll be happy until i get some kind of closure. tonight, there was a connection.




at least i'm seeing shai hulud later tomorrow. ill just mosh away these negative feelings.

the view from here...is a brick wall.

some people define themselves by relationships. they don't feel validated as human beings unless they're in a relationship with another one. they don't feel whole unless they're "in love". they feel that they're role in life is that of a half. and whatever. if that's how they want to live, that's okay i guess.

i define myself by life accomplishments. or, until recently, i thought i did. i have never been truly happy in life, with anything really, save for a few preciously rare times when my mind was unburdened by worry. ive always kept going by focusing on some goal in the future. for a while, it was turning 18. i thought that, upon reaching that semi-magical age, i would come to realize some things that had, until that moment, eluded me. then it was graduating high school. then it was starting college. then it was losing my virginity. then it was moving out of easton. then it was graduating college. each time i reached what i thought was the top and thought that my goal was finally within reach, lo and behold, all that was within reach was yet another challenge for me. i've accepted this with the calm and patient belief that one day, there will be no more challenges and i will find what i am looking for. i mean, i have to, right? purpose cannot be elusive forever, can it?

i think it can.

upon graduating college, i wanted a real job. by 'real' i meant more than some shitty part time job at a grocery store or barnes and noble. i knew that upon beginning work, i would feel validated as a person. by jumping headfirst into the 9 to 5, i would gain what was lost. this desire consumed me.

recently, i found a job. a real job. an office job that i have to dress up for and get a cubicle and all of that. its not the best job, true, but itll due for now.

but im still waiting. for what, im not sure. the hammer to drop? happiness to fall into my lap? im not sure. all i know FOR sure is that i am still not happy. not in the least. i still go to bed worried sick about the future, wondering if what ive done with my life is the correct thing, wondering if ill ever be happy, wondering if ill ever find a girl again. its stupid, i know, and yet it preys upon me constantly.i feel like homer simpson seeing the murderhorn for the first time. "yeah thats it...right over there."


sigh. is it july 22nd yet? or me and chuck and bradical eating huge sandwiches before driving across the country?

the temperature's rising.

youve been on my mind a lot lately. maybe its the warm weather thats doing it. either way, i kind of miss you, and how things ended kind of makes me sad.

excitment.

i am excited for this summer. for the movies, the adventures, and other things.

im not excited about much else.

i want to write a novel.

;

i hope this is goodbye.

attn: real world.

here i come. it's been real, not working!

i'm an uncle.

today, at 12:39 pm, my niece was born. it sort of rules. and by sort of i mean its really awesome.


the new transformers 2 trailers looks absolutely insane.


swine flu can suck it.


14.38 an hour!!!

dec. 21 2012

SHUT THE FUCK UP WEB BOT. THE REASON YOURE FINDING SO MUCH TALK ON THE INTERNET ABOUT THE 'END OF THE WORLD' HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS OF HUMANITY IT'S BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE ARE FUCKING DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE IN THAT AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT.

amateur porn.

is the most annoying shit on the internet. seriously.

lkjhasdi

it doesn't make sense.
it doesn't feel right.


tonight my pace slowed as my pulse raced. fear of cracking my teeth was genuine. tonight i was sickened by my own cowardice. tonight i walked streets in a manner not walked in years. tonight i sort of held something soft. tonight wasn't good, and it ended with me watching a commercial for cher's greatest hits at three in the morning.


i don't understand how we got to this or why you do the things you do. i don't know what the human condition is. or maybe i do and i just don't understand it.

this just in

fuck. what the hell is wrong with people.

unhappy birthday.

i hope every bird outside gets its vocal chords removed so they cant wake me up at five in the fucking morning.

26. good god.


the phrase 'fml' ought to be banned. for real.

the max headroom pirating incident.

horrifying.




why do my friends hang out with such obviously lame people?

we get it. you love your girlfriend.

metaphysics!!

uninvited!!



birthday tomorrow.

lazy sunday

su tao was rad. i didn't reach my goal of ten plates, but i will someday.

i wish it would just fucking rain and get it over with.

i turn 26 on thursday. give me a reason not to be depressed about getting older.

hard times.

in a state of prolonged isolation, the unthinkable becomes a possible course of action, and the it is easy to justify the unjustifiable. it's not what i really want. not at all. but it beats what's going on now (nothing) and that is not good. i am going to do the right thing, i think.





***



maybe i am missing the signs and have been all along. maybe i should just man up and go for it. or maybe i shouldn't and should just let it fizzle out and die.

huh?

fuck dudes who feel the need to let their world revolve around their girlfriend. laaaaame.

i can't fucking wait to go to su tao on saturday. it's literally all i've been thinking about.

i can't fucking wait to hit the road again.

i can't fucking wait to start working.

i can't fucking wait to get tattooed.

i can't fucking wait to be an "adult".

attn: real world

get ready, cause here i come.



we may be through with the past, but the past isn't through with us. you've been on my mind as well.








i need to get tattooed again.

absurdity.

hrm.




the day the earth stood still fucking ruled.






its good to talk.

if i treat you like shit, would you love me forever?

im such an idiot.

migrate or die.

get me the fuck out. i need to be on the road again.

thank you god.

im finished. finished with her. eighty pages, but i finally finished.


shai hulud are playing sound and fury. fucking radical.

sigh/yawn.

i have an incredible mix planned in my head. and i don't want to make this one and then just destroy it.

the warm air, the late nights.

good things lately

dim sum
uncle giancarlo
brazee
end of a year
my book
pap and jake
chili
maybe having a job

bad things lately

seasonal depression
not knowing if ill be able to go on the roadtrip this summer

looking back.

things were so much easier then than they are now. where are you and why arent you with me?


ive been alone for too long, i think.

killer klowns from outer space.

tonight i made a pizza for a friend. a parallelogram shaped pizza. it was good.


i realized some stuff tonight.


i had a job interview today. approximately 28 grand a year doing unemployment claims for the state.



i should stop watching 'knocked up'. at best it makes me sad that i'm alone and at worst it makes me want to start a family.



i really cant wait for feaster.



im sorry, friends.

im often asked and im often wondering if this is not the right time.

all play and no work make justin a dull boy.


this time of year makes me want to put a bullet in my head.


i need to get back out on the road this summer.

yup.

so converge was amazing the other night. it was a little weird hearing 'the saddest day' third on their setlist, but whatevs. we went to kingdom afterwards with mandy and chris, and mcardle and i split an all you can eat dim sum platter. one of the better decisions in my life. then we talked to the owners five year old son on the virtues of doing as optimus prime would do and foregoing what megatron would do. truly, a noble way to live.

i understand that as we get older, bonds we take as unbreakable are revealed to be the fragile and shaky things they really are. its part of growing up, i guess. but that said, whenever the nature of friendship is truly revealed, it still saddens me. i love the few i consider my close friends. there aren't many, but i really do love them. no matter what. this includes you. and the last thing i want them to think is that i think that they, at the end of the day, are bad people. if i am overly critical of their actions (which i am well aware that i am sometimes) it is only because i worry about the path that such actions may lead them down.

i know im not a great person, and that there are situations in life in which i could have made better decisions, but i dont think im a bad person, and i dont want to be made to feel that way. because it feels like im being held accountable for truths that arent really truths but misconceptions that others hold about me. its like im being held up to a standard that exists only in the minds of others, like the real justin lore is being put on trial for the actions of inourheads justin lore. its an intensely frustrating feeling, but its one that seems to happen time and time again, and i should probably just learn to live with.

or maybe i actually am an asshole and dont realize it.


oh yeah one more thing...i guess you could say today is the anniversary of an (un)interesting event.

ahhhhhhhh

-fuck wild pigs and the assholes who think they're a genuine threat to the nation. they're not reproducing geometrically, shut up, stop taking up valuable time on the discovery channel.

-i wish i would talk to pleasant looking girls at the bar who seem super nice and super cute.

-i beat super metroid again.

-knocked up is a great movie.

-bridget marquardt is adorable.

-mcardle!

-i'm seeing converge and ceremony in philly tonight.

-mcardle!

-i made an awful pizza today. boo urns.

-seriously fuck wild pigs.

-mcardle!


ajhsdfuygahkdjlfa its that time of year again. christ i must be nuts.

Dear Mother Brain

last night, you got fucked up.

what's your pleasure, sir?

dear ashley laurence,

stop dating that dude yr dating and let me marry you. i wont quote hellraiser, ever, unless you want me to. in which i'd prefer the following lines: come here dammit i want to touch you, come to daddy, and that part where that baby screams, damn baby. damn.

no one is safe.

i was going to write about the really, really great day i had yesterday, and i guess ill touch upon it. i drove to harrisburg with my mom for a job interview, and because we got there two hours early, my mom and i just walked around harrisburg and sight saw. it was really fun. then, on the ride home, we swung by cabala's out in hamburg and saw so much cool stuff. like muskies and bears.

now, for the bad part.

as of late, there has been an uncomfortable amount of death in my life. for a few months, my family was living with the looming spectre of my grandfathers death, and when it happened, finally, it wasn't any easier because we were expecting. a few weeks before that, my uncle john passed away. now, to be fair, i wasn't that close with my uncle, but nonetheless, death is something that makes you think. it makes you think not so much on all the time you spent with the deceased, but moreso on all the time you didn't spend with them.

friends come and go. it sucks, but it happens. not all friendships are made of the incorruptible stuff of legend. sometimes, people just drift apart. it's a fact of life. but i'd like to think that no matter what, if im ever close with someone, then there will always be some small connection between them and myself, no matter what. a basic and simple tie that connects us.

joey beers was around for some of the best times of my entire life. shows were a blast with him. life was a blast with him. he and i hadnt really spoken in a few years, but it still hurts a little.

women

disgust and confuse me.

fucking.......dammit.

"seasons streak through the rearview, time heals nothing it never does, falling in falling out, another failure..."


st. patricks day. whoooooo. chuck and i went downtown to people watch. good idea. chuck's a good dude, he's funny, he makes wacky observations, st. patty's day would be ripe with potential amusement. of course, i admitted to myself that going into it, i might get infuriated and frustrated with social customs that i don't partake in and don't really understand, but i was prepared to deal with this. and, to be honest, that's not what has me up, thinking and what not.

i'm twenty five years old, and in a little over a month i'll be twenty six. i'm undeniably an adult. i'd like to think that i have grown a lot since i was fifteen, and that i've adapted to the social rituals and consequences of life as an adult. i'd really like to think that the things that stung at fifteen are laughable at twenty five. most of them are. i want to believe that i'm 'too old for this'. and i want to believe that time would ultimately heal whatever was 'wrong' with me then.

(see the quote at the beginning of this)

there was nothing wrong then. there's something wrong now, but it's not me. what is going on continues to confuse and enrage me. maybe i'm not sending out the right messages or making it clear enough. that's probably it. because i know what should be happening. i know that this isn't how it was supposed to be. i don't broadcast it often and don't really talk about it, but it's there, and it's real, and and and and and and.

ugh. al green has a song that says it clear and perfect.

in wackier news, when i posted my new status on facebook, the verification code was 'later alone'. ha fucking ha.


jesus wept. i miss (insert your name here). i'm trying to cuddle, and make you pizzas, and watch 'hellraiser' and 'the blob' ASAP.

twenty four hour fever watch

although it's been closer to seventy two, but whatevs.


i feel achey, hot, and strange. since saturday night ive felt increasingly awful, culminating in yesterdays bout of me not getting out of bed all day except to bathe and eat. ive been horribly thirsty, to the point of on sunday night drinking a whole carton of orange juice in a matter of minutes. i feel a little better today, possibly due to me sneaking downstairs an hour or so ago after waking up with that thirst again so i could get a can of sprite and a can of cherry coke. its possible the cherry coke only tasted like heaven because i havent had one in a few days AND i was ravenously thirsty, buuuut i doubt. it was ice cold and incredible. the can of sprite sits on my nightstand, waiting.


hopefully i feel better soon.

today was

one of the worst days in my memory. i really wish i could fall asleep and never wake up, except that would be horribly selfish on my part. so instead, i'm now sitting in the dark, listening to the black heart procession, and masochistically going over the past with my grandfather.


stacy lore was a good guy, i think. i'm gonna miss him.

there's no such thing.

as i get older, i understand that we are not immortal, that we are fragile and destructible beings. things i once took for granted and assumed would be there forever are not there anymore. its a part of life, death is. we are just guests here. it doesn't really make much sense, but at the same time it does. entropy is the way of all things. order into disorder. life into death. it happens.


my grandfather died today. it really sucks.

come on down to giacamo's pizza...

fuck yeah. debuted the bbq chik'n pizza tonight at jay's. awesome. pizza from hell=awesome. rubbing my eyes hours after handling peppers=not awesome.


me and jordan are out of assassins. mutually. thank god.


earth crisis have a new album coming out. on fucking 4/20. yes.

tonight's episode of 'house'

holy shit.



also, 'knocked up' is awesome. i want to love katherine hiegl.



pizza tomorrow.

masculinity.

i fixed my grandfathers sink today. clearly, i am masculine.

tonight.

i ate two feet worth of sandwich at grease trucks, the last six inches to the T2 theme.




im officially a man.

five in the morning.

always out of my grasp. always.
i'm always falling short.
i can never do enough.
it's never good enough.
i'll never have what i want.
but i'm tired of settling.

i'm making another stupid and meaningless mix that i plan on destroying upon finishing. why? because it has a right to exist, but i, as it's creator, have a right to destroy it and plan on doing so.

i think you're really neat, and i'd like to get to know you better.

'hamlet 2' is hilarious.

'it's for you.'

'pizza.'

i feel the way about easton as robert de niro feels about new york in 'taxi driver'. someone ought to flush it down the fucking toilet.

there's a tang of spring in the air that makes me yearn for days gone by. it always makes me yearn to wreck the good things other people have and commit great acts of spite and malice.

'someday a real rain's gonna come and wash all this scum off the street.'

god willing, i live to see that day.


i'm getting sick. i can fucking feel it.

my head is pounding. dammit.


her eyes are yours. they are hungry, wanting, and without innocence. and they say, it could have been yours if you tried. and i guess they're right.


i don't care who it is. i want physical comfort.

thoughts.

nothing is worth waiting for. if i can't have it now, it's not worth wanting.

double you tee ef.

hrm. and i was told that it happens to everyone and i should just deal with it.

someone must know how i feel.

good:

quarantine.
jennifer carpenter.
charles heimbach.
pizza.
ashley hill.
summer roadtrip.
job.
maya.
soda.
frosted oatmeal cookies.
tacos.
dreams.

bad:
almost everything else.

i went to kutztown last night with chuck on a whim. it was a huge mistake. i felt horribly awkward the whole time, out of place, and unwelcome. like a relic from a bygone age. like a corpse that has no business acting as if it were alive. kutztown has nothing for me anymore.

the air has a tinge of spring to it. i don't like it.

i ran into someone from a long, long time ago last night. it was good.

dow jones and the rock options.

creating the perfect pop song is hard work. who knew? not me! here i am, sitting at my computer, in the dark, for hours on end, banging my head against the wall when the melodies don't come out the way i want them to. i feel like my skull might crack open any second, possibly from that banging but more than likely from all the fucking ideas i have for songs. if you like crazy weirdo keyboard pop that sounds like something a european might make with the likes of rockwell and cameo, get ready.

pet names?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! GODDAMNIT!

come home. come home. come home.


im going out of my head i think. i keep writing the same fucking thing every night in here and yet it doesn't seem to become any less...meaningful. i dunno.


i miss jon van dine. and i miss kutztown.


sigh...life. who needs it.


why do i keep smelling the scent of female arousal? it's driving me mad.

wha?!

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



'i don't know what to dooooooooooo...'





i think you're all jealous and catty bitches!




my friends need to make better decisions.


i hate people who eat meat and rub it in my face. fuckers.




seriously?





you're not that attractive. shut the fuck up.




i get it. you're direct.








you can't drink!






dow jones and the rock options!!!

...

frown.

alksjdf

valentines day passed uneventfully. i didnt receive any awesome presents in the mail and will have to wait until tuesday to do so. fuck.

went to kutztown. walked around at night. thought about everything. was sad.

i have no sympathy whatsoever for non-vegans when it comes to being confronted by vegans about dietary issues. have a taste, fuckers, of what i put with all the time. the hostility, the belittlement. fuck you.

dow jones and the rock options are back, apparently. im stoked.

i really hope i get that job at the unemployment office.

i want to sleep unaffected by everything.

shai hulud are opening for a new found glory in april. yes.

i...miss you.




oh lore. you're so tragic. you're like bruce wayne, only not secretly a superhero vigilante.

oh girls. if you only knew i'm not tragic, just an idiot who doesn't know any better.

oh well, i'll never learn.

'the warm air, the late nights...'

yup. last night, i stayed up late thinking about things. 'i can't get you out of my head.' i dont know if its a joke. i dont know if im serious. i cant sort myself out. dammit.



red robin's boca burgers arent vegan. im going to burn that place to the fucking ground.

window frames, and their infernal rattling.

its woken me up. i cant fucking sleep. god help me.

i have an interview 'tonight' in allentown. im not excited.

it was a good run while it lasted.

evan sucks.

fuck valentine's day.

i hope you get hit by a car.

i also hope you get hit by a car, and it parks on top of you.

ugh. 'i want the one i can't have...'

my grandfather has about two months to live. bummer.

i'm going to kill myself.

a;klsjdf

i figured out how to use garage band. put a diaper on.

i called bankers and told them i didnt want to work there. yup.

i...havent done much else.




im making stuff for valentines day for a girl hundreds of miles away who i suspect thinks im joking when i say im doing stuff for her for valentines day. i should be shot.

dammit.

its not even regret over a loss, but more so over a lack of a loss, so to speak. i know im going to regret this for the rest of my life.


also: "two years...that i spent in liiiimboooooooo"

typical.

this past week is a perfect example of every situation with a girl i've ever had that's gone wrong (read: all of them): i just want something simple and pleasant, nothing too much, nothing fancy, and before i know it it's changed against my will into something i dont really want but go with anyway, mostly for lack of anything else, and before i know it, i have nothing. story of my (love) life.



i really, really dont want to work at bankers. nothing against the company, but it just doesnt seem to be my cup of tea.





i wish i could sleep for more than a few hours a night.

the next person who sings 'san dimas high school football rules' by the ataris to me and substitutes 'just dump justin and go out with me' is getting their teeth knocked out.





oh yeah. happy birthday.

cleaning house

tonight, ryan odonnell and i drove to philadelphia and assassinated, with the help of a chinese food delivery guy, our targets, it was seriously fucking rad.


now, i have him, and the hunt is truly on.



it's funny...when something is there, you don't really want, but when you cant have it, it makes it that much more desirable. 'ive seen this happen in other peoples lives, and now it's happening in mine.' it kinda sucks.

'i'm not saying she's my last, i'm just saying she could have been' and so on and so forth.


these odd hours are not good for a mind such as mine. retrospection does nothing for a decent night's sleep. in the strange time between when i should fall asleep and when i should wake up, logic leads me down one path if things get bad enough. that's not to say i think about actually going through with, just that i think about it almost every night. because i haven't been happy in a long, long time. i can only remember one time when i was totally, completely happy, with nothing on the fringes or waiting in the wings. one night, when jonny and i were out in a snowstorm my first year at k-town, we came back, freezing, covered in snow, our shoes soaked through, extremities numb, to our house on pine street. kelsey and craig were having a little get together, and as we went in, someone took our coats for us. kelsey gave me a hug, the smell of lions head beer her perfume for the evening. the lighting was perfect, the feel was perfect. i remember feeling like i was at home. it was wonderful. for that moment, that small frame of time, nothing was bothering me. i was at peace with myself. i cannot remember a time before that or since that i felt such a way. i want to feel that way again. but alas, it doesnt seem like it'll ever be that way. i dont want to recreate the past. its over, i know. i just want that feeling again. i want to feel like i have a home, someplace to call my own instead of a place where i feel like an unwelcome guest. i want some solid ground to stand on, to know that i have a constant in life. i want a sense of accomplishment. but i don't think i'm going to get it. i don't think i'll allow myself the luxury of hope. and so ill simply stay up all night, tossing and turning in bed, thinking of how easy it would be if i were to simply end it all, but not having the courage to actually go through with it.

recently ive been looking over old letters and mixes that girls have made for me. a lot of times they talk about how their mine until i say it's over ie they wont break up with me. i know that passion makes for lofty promises that one wouldnt make in any sane mindset, but it still stings after all this time. im over it, really i am, but it still hurts after all these time when i hear people talk, because it makes me feel like what we had didn't amount to anything and doesnt mean anything. it still means something to me, goddamnit. even if they've moved on with their lives to whomever their with now, and what we had is just something they did a while back, i still think about it sometimes. why? cause i'm either criminally stupid or insane.


i think im gonna go for a run. maybe itll clear my head up.

wanderlust

and regular lust. i've got em both!!!

im traveling across the country again this summer. i can already feel the excitment building. i cannot wait.



im tired.


eh. go fuck yourself.

the worst part

i'm not even disappointed, really. everything that happened went exactly as i thought it would. i knew things would fall apart at the "last minute", there'd be no phone call. nothing. i somehow knew it would happen. and not through any weird 'hey man' type perception; it was just basic intuition.

i'm an asshole. i accept this. move on.


an assassination attempt was made on me tonight. it is now open season on jordan hollander.


valentines day continues to increase in absurdity. i cannot wait.


blacklisted fucking rule SO much.

today at the wedding, my father received a copy of 'hetero' and read my article. im ashamed to go home now.



im gonna fuckin...mmmmmmm!

stuff i'm excited about.

-teaching myself to moonwalk. i'm gonna fucking do it.
-hetero fanzine. get into it.
-valentine's day with friends.
-the song 'somebody's watching me' by rockwell
-traveling across the country again this summer.

stuff i'm not excited about.

-people saying things they shoudn't say.
-being ditched.
-my job possibly sucking.
-toothaches.
-other stuff.


is it too much to ask for a small measure of peace in life? to, for once, not have something to worry about? i would love to wake up in the morning and not NOT looking forward to something in the near future. i'd like to go to bed around ten o'clock, and not lie awake worrying about things until the sun comes up. i want to know that people around me don't view me as a failure, that even though my goals are different from theirs i do have goals, that i'm not a bum, and that i am going to do something with my life.

i'm not a loser, and i'm not a joke. go fuck yourself.

for the next couple of months, i am going to work my ass off at bankers. if i have to quit to drive across the country again, so be it. i don't care. i don't care if it's irresponsible. i already regret so much in my life to add missing out on another road trip to it. that being said, i want to have some measure of success to my life. i want to have a car. i'd like to have my own place. i'd like to add a reputable job to my resume. i'd like to get more tattoos. this will do for now.

i've been listening to way too much of the following lately:
michael jackson
fucked up
drowningman
dr. dre
amendment 18

oh yeah. if you want to check out hetero fanzine, drop a line at heteromagazine@gmail.com.

question:

why do i do/say the things i do?
why do i time and time again go against my better judgment?


party tonight was okay. spent the night watching some cutie who reminded me of a cutie from my past from a distance, not really thinking anything would come of it. and then right before we left, me and sheena got to dancing in the kitchen to a MGMT song, and said cutie starts talking to me. oh my fucking luck.



thats not what im so bullshitted up about.




percy sledge is fucking awesome, and if you don't think so, we shouldn't be friends.



valentines day mix. woo fucking hoo.

mcardle came back today.

thank god.


what am i doing on valentines day?!


better question...what ARENT i doing?!


oh, the things im not doing!!!



today i told my pap about giacamo's pizza. and then i apologized for taking a nap from noon til five. he just laughed and told me not to worry about it, and i said good, cause i dont want you thinking im a bum. he got a sad look on his face and asked why he would think i was a bum, and i said i thought lots of people think i'm am. he told me he never thought anything like that, and that there was no reason anyone should ever think that.

my point is that my grandfather is a fucking awesome human being and im really, really thankful for everything he's done for me.

bankers tomorrow.

i keep reading online how shitty of a place it is to work at. apparently, you have to work your ass off in order to make decent money. i kinda knew this going in, as the guy who interviewed me didn't sugarcoat what working there would be like, but nonetheless im kind of nervous.




mcardle comes home tomorrow for a few days. thank god for the little things in life.

when i'm in the shower, i'm afraid to wash my hair

i've been listening to the remix of rockwell's 'somebody's watching me' thats in that geico commercial way too much in the past few days. likewise, i haven't been sleeping too well in the past few weeks.

thursday morning i have to bankers to get put on the payroll and all that good stuff. im sort of excited. it'll be good to have money and purpose.

i got my haircut last night. it...was okay.

wedding this weekend. woo hoo.

obama was sworn into office yesterday. or today depending on how you view the time. now everyone can go back to not caring about politics (or anything else for that matter). your fashionable cause has been accomplished. you've shown everyone how tolerant and progressive you are. congratulations.


...and so on and so forth.

fucked.

what you're careless with, you always break.
what you break, you buy.
what you bought, you own.
and what you own always comes home to you.


oh yeah. my grandfather has lung cancer.

tonight.

a rare breed of evening. one of those simple and old fashioned good nights. met new people, connected with friends, appreciated the simple bonds that exist between myself and others, and just had a good time. i felt young and somewhat at peace with myself. sure, there were moments of being annoyed and furious with others, but oh well. it happens.

it was a good evening. i want more of them.

an old friend arrives in town in a few days. i am eagerly awaiting his arrival.

an old friend is getting married. i am weirded out by this.

assassins is twenty pounds of bullshit in a ten pound bag. for real.



i've been writing in my book a lot lately. it's coming together nicely. hopefully, it doesn't grow into a thousand page monster that people see as a possible symptom of me being a nutcase. and an ending, a happy one, would be nice.

recently

-i've been having trouble sleeping. every night, i go to bed around ten or so with the intent of going to sleep and staying asleep until the next morning. i lay in the dark for an hour or so, thinking about everything, becoming increasingly anxious and depressed and angry with the way things have turned out, until finally, i get up and either start reading or watching a movie.

-my health is going downhill. not surprising, as i haven't always been the healthiest person in the world, but it still sucks. my grandfather is becoming increasingly concerned about this. i don't like worrying him.

-i've been thinking a lot lately about how the world would be without me. not in a 'nobody loves me i'm going to kill myself' way, just in a general and detached way. i wonder who would be affected most by it. i wonder what some of the effects of my passing would be. i wonder if i would be missed. and i wonder if i would fare any better in whatever, if anything, comes after this life. what stops me from simply ending it is the same thing that always has: a fear of the possibility of something worse awaiting me on the other side. that's not to say i think suicides go to hell; i'm just unwilling to risk it. what a grand joke it would be if i were to work up the courage to put an end to this slab of mediocrity that my life has become to find myself in the company of satan and the like.

-i want to get fruity loops again. badly.

-i've been listening to the new m83 album a lot. it reminds of pittsburgh at night, winter, and making love. i've also been listening to MGMT a lot lately. i don't know why. not that they're not good, but listening to them only reminds me of a fleeting moment i had once, an epilogue of sorts. it's painful.

-i miss warm female contact, the smell of a girl, the feel of breathing in sync with mine. i want to lose track of time with a girl while laying in bed with her, not fucking, not even cuddling, just being with her. there is no one of interest in my life right. no one of real interest, anyway. crushes are welcome, even encouraged. anything is encouraged, really. i'll take anything over nothing.

-this time last year was something bad, but in a few weeks it'll be that magical time of year that is late winter, when things start to get interesting. last year was nice. the year before was nice. and so was the year before that. who knows what this year holds.

essentially, i am lost within my own reflective personality. all i do anymore is think about what used to be. i think about how easy and fruitful life was when friends lived across the hall instead of across town or a quarter of the way across the state. i think about the people i was once so close with and how distant i am from them now. it's the nature of all things, i know, but that doesn't soften the blow. i simply want to know that the relationships i have worked so hard at creating and sustaining are worth more than just momentary bouts of getting lost in a good time. but maybe that's all friendship and intimacy are. who knows. i can't talk to anyone about it because i don't see eye to eye with anyone on the matter. but that's no surprise, really. i don't think i agree with anyone on anything at this point in my life. i simply nod and agree if their opinion is within throwing distance of mine, never bothering to tell them that i feel somewhat different on the matter. and why? because in the end, it doesn't matter.



i've made too many mistakes in this life, and now i'm paying dearly for them.

the good old days.

i want it back.

so

i really don't like most of the people i associate myself with. i'm entirely too critical of those closest to me, and lately, i find myself getting way too worked up over entirely mundane things. or maybe they're not so mundane. either way, in the past few weeks, i've come close several times to losing my temper and just...losing it, i guess. as i've said, i'm wound too tight and don't know how to unwind.

and i don't know why, really. i can't pinpoint exactly what's causing this heightened tension, this constant being 'on the verge of frenzy'. i've always been sort of overly sensitive person, and that sensitivity has usually manifested itself in the form of a short temper, but lately i've come close to flying off the handle for almost no reason whatsoever.


whatever.

i'm done pretending that things don't piss me off. i'm done being an 'understanding' and 'accepting' person.


i should be happy for you. but instead, all i feel is resentment and bitterness.

gran torino/girls/assassins

rules/lets do it/you're all going down.




"i need to fight someone, fuck someone, or see a therapist."

sweet

singing the same old song

get over it, get over it, get over it.



i dont have droves of women vying for my affections. get over it.

dont be a hypocrite. get over it.

stop being a fucking idiot and accept responsibility for things. get over it.



the world is full of fucking maniacs.

what?!

where did i go wrong? when did my anger get the best of me? it seems that my days are simply periods of time between me holding my tongue or resisting the urge to break something because something has piqued my rage. i lay in bed at night, and i think about how i really have nothing in common with those closest to me. and it depresses me. it sucks.



but i shouldnt feel this way. i should somehow subliminate feeling this way into a vacant sense of happiness. or something. ugh.


i wish i could sleep.



i hate being talked down to, and i hate, more than anything, being told im wrong by the same stupid fucking assholes who have the gall to tell me that i should accept the views of others. fuck.


i am indeed praying out loud for a winter of quiet. or maybe not. who knows.