yup.

so converge was amazing the other night. it was a little weird hearing 'the saddest day' third on their setlist, but whatevs. we went to kingdom afterwards with mandy and chris, and mcardle and i split an all you can eat dim sum platter. one of the better decisions in my life. then we talked to the owners five year old son on the virtues of doing as optimus prime would do and foregoing what megatron would do. truly, a noble way to live.

i understand that as we get older, bonds we take as unbreakable are revealed to be the fragile and shaky things they really are. its part of growing up, i guess. but that said, whenever the nature of friendship is truly revealed, it still saddens me. i love the few i consider my close friends. there aren't many, but i really do love them. no matter what. this includes you. and the last thing i want them to think is that i think that they, at the end of the day, are bad people. if i am overly critical of their actions (which i am well aware that i am sometimes) it is only because i worry about the path that such actions may lead them down.

i know im not a great person, and that there are situations in life in which i could have made better decisions, but i dont think im a bad person, and i dont want to be made to feel that way. because it feels like im being held accountable for truths that arent really truths but misconceptions that others hold about me. its like im being held up to a standard that exists only in the minds of others, like the real justin lore is being put on trial for the actions of inourheads justin lore. its an intensely frustrating feeling, but its one that seems to happen time and time again, and i should probably just learn to live with.

or maybe i actually am an asshole and dont realize it.


oh yeah one more thing...i guess you could say today is the anniversary of an (un)interesting event.

ahhhhhhhh

-fuck wild pigs and the assholes who think they're a genuine threat to the nation. they're not reproducing geometrically, shut up, stop taking up valuable time on the discovery channel.

-i wish i would talk to pleasant looking girls at the bar who seem super nice and super cute.

-i beat super metroid again.

-knocked up is a great movie.

-bridget marquardt is adorable.

-mcardle!

-i'm seeing converge and ceremony in philly tonight.

-mcardle!

-i made an awful pizza today. boo urns.

-seriously fuck wild pigs.

-mcardle!


ajhsdfuygahkdjlfa its that time of year again. christ i must be nuts.

Dear Mother Brain

last night, you got fucked up.

what's your pleasure, sir?

dear ashley laurence,

stop dating that dude yr dating and let me marry you. i wont quote hellraiser, ever, unless you want me to. in which i'd prefer the following lines: come here dammit i want to touch you, come to daddy, and that part where that baby screams, damn baby. damn.

no one is safe.

i was going to write about the really, really great day i had yesterday, and i guess ill touch upon it. i drove to harrisburg with my mom for a job interview, and because we got there two hours early, my mom and i just walked around harrisburg and sight saw. it was really fun. then, on the ride home, we swung by cabala's out in hamburg and saw so much cool stuff. like muskies and bears.

now, for the bad part.

as of late, there has been an uncomfortable amount of death in my life. for a few months, my family was living with the looming spectre of my grandfathers death, and when it happened, finally, it wasn't any easier because we were expecting. a few weeks before that, my uncle john passed away. now, to be fair, i wasn't that close with my uncle, but nonetheless, death is something that makes you think. it makes you think not so much on all the time you spent with the deceased, but moreso on all the time you didn't spend with them.

friends come and go. it sucks, but it happens. not all friendships are made of the incorruptible stuff of legend. sometimes, people just drift apart. it's a fact of life. but i'd like to think that no matter what, if im ever close with someone, then there will always be some small connection between them and myself, no matter what. a basic and simple tie that connects us.

joey beers was around for some of the best times of my entire life. shows were a blast with him. life was a blast with him. he and i hadnt really spoken in a few years, but it still hurts a little.

women

disgust and confuse me.

fucking.......dammit.

"seasons streak through the rearview, time heals nothing it never does, falling in falling out, another failure..."


st. patricks day. whoooooo. chuck and i went downtown to people watch. good idea. chuck's a good dude, he's funny, he makes wacky observations, st. patty's day would be ripe with potential amusement. of course, i admitted to myself that going into it, i might get infuriated and frustrated with social customs that i don't partake in and don't really understand, but i was prepared to deal with this. and, to be honest, that's not what has me up, thinking and what not.

i'm twenty five years old, and in a little over a month i'll be twenty six. i'm undeniably an adult. i'd like to think that i have grown a lot since i was fifteen, and that i've adapted to the social rituals and consequences of life as an adult. i'd really like to think that the things that stung at fifteen are laughable at twenty five. most of them are. i want to believe that i'm 'too old for this'. and i want to believe that time would ultimately heal whatever was 'wrong' with me then.

(see the quote at the beginning of this)

there was nothing wrong then. there's something wrong now, but it's not me. what is going on continues to confuse and enrage me. maybe i'm not sending out the right messages or making it clear enough. that's probably it. because i know what should be happening. i know that this isn't how it was supposed to be. i don't broadcast it often and don't really talk about it, but it's there, and it's real, and and and and and and.

ugh. al green has a song that says it clear and perfect.

in wackier news, when i posted my new status on facebook, the verification code was 'later alone'. ha fucking ha.


jesus wept. i miss (insert your name here). i'm trying to cuddle, and make you pizzas, and watch 'hellraiser' and 'the blob' ASAP.

twenty four hour fever watch

although it's been closer to seventy two, but whatevs.


i feel achey, hot, and strange. since saturday night ive felt increasingly awful, culminating in yesterdays bout of me not getting out of bed all day except to bathe and eat. ive been horribly thirsty, to the point of on sunday night drinking a whole carton of orange juice in a matter of minutes. i feel a little better today, possibly due to me sneaking downstairs an hour or so ago after waking up with that thirst again so i could get a can of sprite and a can of cherry coke. its possible the cherry coke only tasted like heaven because i havent had one in a few days AND i was ravenously thirsty, buuuut i doubt. it was ice cold and incredible. the can of sprite sits on my nightstand, waiting.


hopefully i feel better soon.

today was

one of the worst days in my memory. i really wish i could fall asleep and never wake up, except that would be horribly selfish on my part. so instead, i'm now sitting in the dark, listening to the black heart procession, and masochistically going over the past with my grandfather.


stacy lore was a good guy, i think. i'm gonna miss him.

there's no such thing.

as i get older, i understand that we are not immortal, that we are fragile and destructible beings. things i once took for granted and assumed would be there forever are not there anymore. its a part of life, death is. we are just guests here. it doesn't really make much sense, but at the same time it does. entropy is the way of all things. order into disorder. life into death. it happens.


my grandfather died today. it really sucks.

come on down to giacamo's pizza...

fuck yeah. debuted the bbq chik'n pizza tonight at jay's. awesome. pizza from hell=awesome. rubbing my eyes hours after handling peppers=not awesome.


me and jordan are out of assassins. mutually. thank god.


earth crisis have a new album coming out. on fucking 4/20. yes.

tonight's episode of 'house'

holy shit.



also, 'knocked up' is awesome. i want to love katherine hiegl.



pizza tomorrow.

masculinity.

i fixed my grandfathers sink today. clearly, i am masculine.