i am a cynic and an outcast.

my time in kutztown is almost up. where i'll go from here, i honestly don't know. i feel like a little kid dressing up in his dad's close; a parody of an adult. i don't feel like an adult; indeed, i feel the same way i felt when i was ten.


i try not to get my hopes up. ever. but sometimes, i expect certain things, not out of any sense of hope, but simply out of a sense of logical progression. event B always follows event A. sometimes immedietly after, sometimes later. but it always happens.


i am waiting for event B to happen.




i am not a bad person, i don't think. i'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings. i'm just tired of being alone, i guess. and i don't want a status, or a title, or anything like that. i just want connection, i guess. physical gratification? maybe. i dunno. it would be nice.

deep inside of me, there is a part of me that yearns to be with someone else. it is a weakness, no doubt, but it is still there and i cannot rid myself of it no more than i can change the color of my eyes. its the part of me that lies under the desire to feel the smoothness of a woman's skin, or feel the coolness of the sweat on her back. beyond the part of me that just wants pure physical sensation is the part of me that tells the rest of me 'we, as a whole, or indeed not a whole and need someone else to make us a whole. we cannot be happy until we find the other half of our collective us.' i hate when people act like this. i hate when my friends act like this. and most of all i hate when i act like this. because i know it's not true. i am not a human version of the constructicons, who are not complete until they join together to form devastator. i'm a human being, a whole in and of myself.


but nonetheless, i want company.