"have fun fucking jules!"

'this may all be a mistake.

but what's a few more?'

OR

people that should earn my love consistenly warrant my hate.

so....

"what could possibly go right?"

i cannot help feeling like this.

i am pushing people away.

"there is no catharsis...."

it's a spiral.

...

"if i told you this was killing me, would you stop?"

yeah...

i got a photo album for my birthday from a friend with pictures of the two of us. last night, i sat on my computer working on my thesis, and the album was open in front of me. there was a picture of the two of us from about a year ago. it was the time of thing a girlfriend gets for her boyfriend on his birthday. problem is, she's not my girlfriend anymore. and while it was undeniably a nice gesture with genuine and heartfelt intent, nonetheless it really only serves as a reminder of what once was and will never be again.

i'm starting to realize the futility of ever trying to truly connect with another human being ever again. 

another wasted year

but another year closer to death.

i'm twenty five years old today, and i still have nothing to show for it. 

bethany came up. she got me a lot of cool stuff. for her birthday, i got her nothing. at the end of this exchange, i feel, as per usual, like i've come up short. 

my parents came up. we went to basin st. they were out of boca burgers, so i settled for a vegetable stir fry. it sucked. i only ate about a quarter of it. this depresses me almost to the point of tears. 

fuck. seriously. how the hell did i become twenty five?

twenty five years ago today

was the last happy day of my life.

brad is captain ahab.

from the heart of hell, he'll stab at you.

onward, ishmael!!! onward!!!

today

i went a to funeral.

then i visited my great grandmother. she didnt know who i was.

then i visited my grandfather. he knew who i was.

then i came back to kutztown. and now i'm alone.

my roommates took the dog for a walk to the park. i'm sitting in my room in the dark.

yup. college is over.